I’m a pretty liberal guy. I’ve watched in anger and frustration as just about everyone whose causes I have supported has either come out against the country that is home to half of the Jews on the planet or, as you sadly recognized, has just clammed up and watched in stone-faced silence as we get verbally assaulted (or worse) at our places of worship, community centers, or in restaurants, stores, malls, etc. There is no safe place, no respite, and don’t even get me started about the news or social media. It’s dispiriting and it is also “Exhibit A” as to why the existence of Israel is so vital. Ultimately, with a few notable exceptions such as yourself, we can’t and shouldn’t count on anyone other than ourselves.
Wow. Those messages are perfect, but I never have nor ever will receive anything like them. According to Facebook I have close to 400 friends. I can only think of five who have said anything to me directly, and only one in person. Two reached out to express dismay at antisemitism post-October 7, but only as it emanates from the right. I thanked all of them. There's nothing good about any of this, other than maybe it's clarifying to know that essentially no one cares, or even notices. Always helpful to know the truth, at least.
I’ve been writing both my my own Substack and in publications in support of Israel and the Jewish people since late October 2023. I’m not Jewish - yet - though I’m now exploring conversion. My whole life basically turned upside down: many former friends cut off ties, but now I have Jewish and Israeli friends around the world. I’m so grateful for all the love I’ve gotten back. It seems like I can do so little but just reaching out matters and going public matters too. Sending love to all.
First to Pat THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Exactly what I want to hear. I appreciate so much your caring and speaking out.
I have two opposite and very telling stories for you. A longtime friend who we see every time we visit Tucson, which is every winter, told us he wasn't available for lunch or dinner in Jan, Feb or March, which are the months we're there. The reason, our holiday card which featured Israeli heroes of October 7. We knew he was a left-wing professor, but we didn't know what an inhumane jerk he was.
Second story. Shortly after October 7, 2023 I had an appointment with my cardiologist, a very competent and caring young Indian doctor. He noticed a bracelet on my hand that said "Israel Lives" and he immediately said to me, "I am so sorry about what happened to your people. It is so outrageous and unfair. We are with you all the way in this." He didn't have to say one thing. He was a doctor seeing a patient. I told him how much it meant to me and how much I appreciated his kind words. He said it was the least a human being could say in the wake of this awful massacre.
So two surprises - one terrible, one great. Pat, you are so right - just one sentence of support. means so much. We are so hurt by all the groups we've supported through the years, who are totally silent on our pain and our trials, or worse, rail against us - i.e. women's groups, some gay groups (people who would be killed if they lived in Gaza), the worst of all - the red cross, human rights organizations. I could go on and on.
But be sure to understand, Israel isn't going away, Jews are not going away - we will fight for our people and our land. Israelis are the most resilient people in history. I just read a story where two former hostages, one held 55 days and the other over 500, are engaged to be married. May they flourish and bring many beautiful Jewish children into the world.
After posting this on my fb timeline, and the deafening silence apart from a like from a loyal friend, I think I may do just that: post these messages to myself, spread out. I need to hear someone say it. I’m in Scotland and things in the U.K. are bad, too; freedom of speech is becoming threatened more and more under Starmer. And yes… gay groups, queers for Palestine - how the fuck can they not see the irony? And why are only Jews held to this standard? I’m old, and in poor health, and making Aliyah isn’t an option for me, but … I wish.
as Lerner & Lowe (joos!) wrote, "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?".... sadly, ain't gonna happen...
We chews don't "deserve" ta snivel ''bout "imagined" (never real....) anti-semitism--b/c "Gaza!" leeetle baybees bein' murdered daily, targeted by ze Evil Zionists who are WORSE than Hitler! If we "zeit" with them so are we! So our "worries" 'bout our own safety or those of "our pee-ull" in Israel are not only "selfish" (I've been told his!) but inhumane. An' how DARE we call ourselfs "Americans" if we have such "dual loyalties?" I know I know.... Look, I don't see Italian-Amerians (I hate the hyphenated malarkey but makin' a pernt here) NOT carin' if Italy were ta burn (again).... but nobuddy qvestions their "dual loyalty." Their SILENCE is nothing but judgement.... perhaps it would be worse if they WERE to speak...knowin' how they changed from bein' clueless an' not carin' 'bout Israel... to actin' as judge & jury over us....
But thanks fer givin' 'em the words....thoughtful, Loverly ones!, in case a "real human bean" sneaks thru the cracks!
Not just (North)Americans… UK, too. Marches every Saturday for Palestine, in London, since 7/10, spreading to other cities, now up to my closest city, Edinburgh. Big rise in anti Semitism. All kinds of stuff.
ah, sorry ta hear 'bout Edinburgh too...back in the more halcyon daze of the 20th C I had the joy've attendin' the fantastic Fringe Fest...includin' a fab show by the late great jooish thee-ater'er director Jonathan Miller who'd soitenly be cancelled now... (took no prisoners that'un! lol)
'Twas charmed by the setting, the warmth of the folks we met (both thee-ate-er people an' just the regular everyday ones). Bein' a board-trodder m'self an' havin' a older teen kid with the same callin'--it's sad that t'day we'd feel skeered as all git-out crossin' the pond where I once felt so welcomed. In mah former home, NewYawkShitty 'fore I left 2 yrz ago--I couldn't even enter the local health food stores without crossin' an angry pro-HamAss picket line over 100 strong... they boycotted the joint fer sellin' hummus from Israel. THIS is whar we are...bad all over :-(
Hi Pat, thank you for this piece. The situation is perhaps worse than you have described when you consider the political dimensions. So many in the Democratic Party, which historically stood with Israel, now support elected officials who are demanding an end to the alliance with Israel. This means that many of these silent "friends" are not neutrals in the global intifada against Jews, but they are, in fact, allies of this global hate movement. They proved their true sympathies when they remained silent after the killings outside the Jewish Museum in DC and the Boulder firebombing of elderly Jews. The Muslim community is pouring out large donations for Mamdani in NYC because they see him as a figure who will capture the "Jewish stronghold" of New York. Their psychology is the same as the Muslims attacking Druze in the "Druze stronghold" of Sweida. The last friend of mine to express sympathy to me after a hate crime against Jews was an eighty-year-old friend who called me from Greece, where he had retired, to express his sympathy after the Tree of Life shootings in 2018. Interesting to note that at the time I was a Democrat, and he was a Republican. Our good acquaintances, a neighbor family that are conservative Catholics and the best neighbors ever, were the one family that reached out after 10/7. I am grateful for such neighbors.
I have had, to the few but increasing, as I’m getting fed up with staying quiet ‘because’ - posts I have made on fb, not a single message of the ‘how are you?’ kind. Not one. I have had one lengthy and deeply unpleasant(and terribly ‘intellectual’… no name calling or sweary words)reply to a post I made about the six hostages who were murdered, and after I asked who would hide me… three, I think, responded. One non Jewish(and very dear)friend consistently like-responds when I post; two or three Jewish friends, similar. These are all long time online friends; I only have two flesh friends left, neither comment.
It wasn’t until I read this post that I realised that NO-ONE had reached out to ask me how I was; not one. That rather shocked me, as I have a core circle of around twenty or so really close friends on fb(I rely on online for pretty much everything now - am in my 70s, an ‘indoor cat’, increasingly poor health)
Born and raised in a working class Glasgow council estate - Scotland - the only Jews in the area, though there was once a thriving Jewish community in the east end, as indicated by the fact that there’s a Jewish cemetery. I grew up in the atmosphere of Protestants and Catholics (it was a Protestant area with a few Catholics) and Glasgow is still very much a city which has that as a problem divide. So, my background is very mixed but… I’m Jewish. Ifeel Jewish. October 7th 23 very much reinforced that for me… and nobody has asked me how I am, how I feel. In the U.K., Anyone who speaks up for Israel is usually roundly derided as far right/fascist.
I’m part of the LGBTQ community, and most of my friends are too… and most are solidly, left leaningly, pro Palestine. As Leonard Cohen said, “I’m neither left nor right” and I never have been. When I write anything about Israel, the silence is deafening:
So…
is it better that my friends say nothing(presumably because they want to stay friends/‘agree to disagree’… some things go beyond that…) or would it be better if they were honest and said how they feel? Do I want friends like that? I *know* that at least some of them are saying nothing rather than losing our friendship: that makes me feel so conflicted. I have no idea if anyone read it: I doubt it.
So, as another person suggested, I may start posting some of your suggested responses, to myself, on my timeline. Doubtless there will still be silence, but I think it will make me feel better.
Thanks for listening. And bless my Israeli friend who sent me the link to your Substack… it has given me a new way of doing things that help myself; and I feel less alone. There *are* others who feel as I do.
Love and purrs from unreasonably hot Scotland
(Apologies for the length of this… I’m not good at being precise)
Thank you Alex. I'm never sure what to say when people argue that we should avoid topics to maintain friendships. This is not about a difference of opinion on what to order for dinner. This is a pretty existential thing and if your friends won't support you when the world is attacking your very identity, one wonders what that friendship is about at all. Sorry to be so negative. LEt's stay in touch.
Pat, thanks… I think that sums up part of the problem: they don’t ‘get’ that its about my very identity - these are people who are quick to be seen to support me in LGBTQ matters, but it seems that if I don’t ’toe the party line’, so to speak, here in the U.K. anyway, both literal and metaphorical - then I’m ignored or dismissed. How on Earth they can’t see the craziness in ‘queers for Palestine’, I can’t fathom: it’s as though they’re being selective)
They don’t see that it’s not just a choice… it’s a basic, fundamental, in-the-blood “this is who I am”(and which has become increasingly important to me the older I’ve become, as I’ve always had a lot of difficulty with belonging. I would like to keep in touch. It was such a comfort just to find out that there are others who think similarly to me.
And … the deafening silence from some of the closest ones - that’s an attack, too, even though(maybe especially ?) they say nothing: it shows the lack of understanding. And it feels vaguely passive aggressive.
Thank you for this.
I’m a pretty liberal guy. I’ve watched in anger and frustration as just about everyone whose causes I have supported has either come out against the country that is home to half of the Jews on the planet or, as you sadly recognized, has just clammed up and watched in stone-faced silence as we get verbally assaulted (or worse) at our places of worship, community centers, or in restaurants, stores, malls, etc. There is no safe place, no respite, and don’t even get me started about the news or social media. It’s dispiriting and it is also “Exhibit A” as to why the existence of Israel is so vital. Ultimately, with a few notable exceptions such as yourself, we can’t and shouldn’t count on anyone other than ourselves.
You are so right!
With you as always ! Still here.
And I can’t thank you enough.
The silence is indeed the hardest part ….
All of this.
Wow. Those messages are perfect, but I never have nor ever will receive anything like them. According to Facebook I have close to 400 friends. I can only think of five who have said anything to me directly, and only one in person. Two reached out to express dismay at antisemitism post-October 7, but only as it emanates from the right. I thanked all of them. There's nothing good about any of this, other than maybe it's clarifying to know that essentially no one cares, or even notices. Always helpful to know the truth, at least.
Thank you
I’ve been writing both my my own Substack and in publications in support of Israel and the Jewish people since late October 2023. I’m not Jewish - yet - though I’m now exploring conversion. My whole life basically turned upside down: many former friends cut off ties, but now I have Jewish and Israeli friends around the world. I’m so grateful for all the love I’ve gotten back. It seems like I can do so little but just reaching out matters and going public matters too. Sending love to all.
Thank you so much. I would be honored to be your friend.
Thank you! Feel free to subscribe to my Substack, Change Anything with April Wilson Smith. We have a nice little community!
First to Pat THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. Exactly what I want to hear. I appreciate so much your caring and speaking out.
I have two opposite and very telling stories for you. A longtime friend who we see every time we visit Tucson, which is every winter, told us he wasn't available for lunch or dinner in Jan, Feb or March, which are the months we're there. The reason, our holiday card which featured Israeli heroes of October 7. We knew he was a left-wing professor, but we didn't know what an inhumane jerk he was.
Second story. Shortly after October 7, 2023 I had an appointment with my cardiologist, a very competent and caring young Indian doctor. He noticed a bracelet on my hand that said "Israel Lives" and he immediately said to me, "I am so sorry about what happened to your people. It is so outrageous and unfair. We are with you all the way in this." He didn't have to say one thing. He was a doctor seeing a patient. I told him how much it meant to me and how much I appreciated his kind words. He said it was the least a human being could say in the wake of this awful massacre.
So two surprises - one terrible, one great. Pat, you are so right - just one sentence of support. means so much. We are so hurt by all the groups we've supported through the years, who are totally silent on our pain and our trials, or worse, rail against us - i.e. women's groups, some gay groups (people who would be killed if they lived in Gaza), the worst of all - the red cross, human rights organizations. I could go on and on.
But be sure to understand, Israel isn't going away, Jews are not going away - we will fight for our people and our land. Israelis are the most resilient people in history. I just read a story where two former hostages, one held 55 days and the other over 500, are engaged to be married. May they flourish and bring many beautiful Jewish children into the world.
Thanks for your lovely message Dalya.
Thanks Pat. I might just send these messages to myself... actually I have friends who have shown empathy. Not as eloquently, but clearly.
After posting this on my fb timeline, and the deafening silence apart from a like from a loyal friend, I think I may do just that: post these messages to myself, spread out. I need to hear someone say it. I’m in Scotland and things in the U.K. are bad, too; freedom of speech is becoming threatened more and more under Starmer. And yes… gay groups, queers for Palestine - how the fuck can they not see the irony? And why are only Jews held to this standard? I’m old, and in poor health, and making Aliyah isn’t an option for me, but … I wish.
as Lerner & Lowe (joos!) wrote, "Wouldn't It Be Loverly?".... sadly, ain't gonna happen...
We chews don't "deserve" ta snivel ''bout "imagined" (never real....) anti-semitism--b/c "Gaza!" leeetle baybees bein' murdered daily, targeted by ze Evil Zionists who are WORSE than Hitler! If we "zeit" with them so are we! So our "worries" 'bout our own safety or those of "our pee-ull" in Israel are not only "selfish" (I've been told his!) but inhumane. An' how DARE we call ourselfs "Americans" if we have such "dual loyalties?" I know I know.... Look, I don't see Italian-Amerians (I hate the hyphenated malarkey but makin' a pernt here) NOT carin' if Italy were ta burn (again).... but nobuddy qvestions their "dual loyalty." Their SILENCE is nothing but judgement.... perhaps it would be worse if they WERE to speak...knowin' how they changed from bein' clueless an' not carin' 'bout Israel... to actin' as judge & jury over us....
But thanks fer givin' 'em the words....thoughtful, Loverly ones!, in case a "real human bean" sneaks thru the cracks!
Not just (North)Americans… UK, too. Marches every Saturday for Palestine, in London, since 7/10, spreading to other cities, now up to my closest city, Edinburgh. Big rise in anti Semitism. All kinds of stuff.
ah, sorry ta hear 'bout Edinburgh too...back in the more halcyon daze of the 20th C I had the joy've attendin' the fantastic Fringe Fest...includin' a fab show by the late great jooish thee-ater'er director Jonathan Miller who'd soitenly be cancelled now... (took no prisoners that'un! lol)
'Twas charmed by the setting, the warmth of the folks we met (both thee-ate-er people an' just the regular everyday ones). Bein' a board-trodder m'self an' havin' a older teen kid with the same callin'--it's sad that t'day we'd feel skeered as all git-out crossin' the pond where I once felt so welcomed. In mah former home, NewYawkShitty 'fore I left 2 yrz ago--I couldn't even enter the local health food stores without crossin' an angry pro-HamAss picket line over 100 strong... they boycotted the joint fer sellin' hummus from Israel. THIS is whar we are...bad all over :-(
Excellent. Again. This is grief and having experienced a life shattering death 6 years ago this is exactly how I’ve felt. Now doubled. Well done
Thank you!
Their silence has been truly heartbreaking…
I wish I had you as a friend.
You do.
A friend says it’s just all “tribal” and she’s never heard anything remotely antisemitic in her social circle.
The irony.
Hi Pat, thank you for this piece. The situation is perhaps worse than you have described when you consider the political dimensions. So many in the Democratic Party, which historically stood with Israel, now support elected officials who are demanding an end to the alliance with Israel. This means that many of these silent "friends" are not neutrals in the global intifada against Jews, but they are, in fact, allies of this global hate movement. They proved their true sympathies when they remained silent after the killings outside the Jewish Museum in DC and the Boulder firebombing of elderly Jews. The Muslim community is pouring out large donations for Mamdani in NYC because they see him as a figure who will capture the "Jewish stronghold" of New York. Their psychology is the same as the Muslims attacking Druze in the "Druze stronghold" of Sweida. The last friend of mine to express sympathy to me after a hate crime against Jews was an eighty-year-old friend who called me from Greece, where he had retired, to express his sympathy after the Tree of Life shootings in 2018. Interesting to note that at the time I was a Democrat, and he was a Republican. Our good acquaintances, a neighbor family that are conservative Catholics and the best neighbors ever, were the one family that reached out after 10/7. I am grateful for such neighbors.
I have had, to the few but increasing, as I’m getting fed up with staying quiet ‘because’ - posts I have made on fb, not a single message of the ‘how are you?’ kind. Not one. I have had one lengthy and deeply unpleasant(and terribly ‘intellectual’… no name calling or sweary words)reply to a post I made about the six hostages who were murdered, and after I asked who would hide me… three, I think, responded. One non Jewish(and very dear)friend consistently like-responds when I post; two or three Jewish friends, similar. These are all long time online friends; I only have two flesh friends left, neither comment.
It wasn’t until I read this post that I realised that NO-ONE had reached out to ask me how I was; not one. That rather shocked me, as I have a core circle of around twenty or so really close friends on fb(I rely on online for pretty much everything now - am in my 70s, an ‘indoor cat’, increasingly poor health)
Born and raised in a working class Glasgow council estate - Scotland - the only Jews in the area, though there was once a thriving Jewish community in the east end, as indicated by the fact that there’s a Jewish cemetery. I grew up in the atmosphere of Protestants and Catholics (it was a Protestant area with a few Catholics) and Glasgow is still very much a city which has that as a problem divide. So, my background is very mixed but… I’m Jewish. Ifeel Jewish. October 7th 23 very much reinforced that for me… and nobody has asked me how I am, how I feel. In the U.K., Anyone who speaks up for Israel is usually roundly derided as far right/fascist.
I’m part of the LGBTQ community, and most of my friends are too… and most are solidly, left leaningly, pro Palestine. As Leonard Cohen said, “I’m neither left nor right” and I never have been. When I write anything about Israel, the silence is deafening:
So…
is it better that my friends say nothing(presumably because they want to stay friends/‘agree to disagree’… some things go beyond that…) or would it be better if they were honest and said how they feel? Do I want friends like that? I *know* that at least some of them are saying nothing rather than losing our friendship: that makes me feel so conflicted. I have no idea if anyone read it: I doubt it.
So, as another person suggested, I may start posting some of your suggested responses, to myself, on my timeline. Doubtless there will still be silence, but I think it will make me feel better.
Thanks for listening. And bless my Israeli friend who sent me the link to your Substack… it has given me a new way of doing things that help myself; and I feel less alone. There *are* others who feel as I do.
Love and purrs from unreasonably hot Scotland
(Apologies for the length of this… I’m not good at being precise)
Thank you Alex. I'm never sure what to say when people argue that we should avoid topics to maintain friendships. This is not about a difference of opinion on what to order for dinner. This is a pretty existential thing and if your friends won't support you when the world is attacking your very identity, one wonders what that friendship is about at all. Sorry to be so negative. LEt's stay in touch.
Pat, thanks… I think that sums up part of the problem: they don’t ‘get’ that its about my very identity - these are people who are quick to be seen to support me in LGBTQ matters, but it seems that if I don’t ’toe the party line’, so to speak, here in the U.K. anyway, both literal and metaphorical - then I’m ignored or dismissed. How on Earth they can’t see the craziness in ‘queers for Palestine’, I can’t fathom: it’s as though they’re being selective)
They don’t see that it’s not just a choice… it’s a basic, fundamental, in-the-blood “this is who I am”(and which has become increasingly important to me the older I’ve become, as I’ve always had a lot of difficulty with belonging. I would like to keep in touch. It was such a comfort just to find out that there are others who think similarly to me.
And … the deafening silence from some of the closest ones - that’s an attack, too, even though(maybe especially ?) they say nothing: it shows the lack of understanding. And it feels vaguely passive aggressive.
Absolutely.